Building Belonging through an Asset-Based Approach to Masculinity

The fraternity experience thrives on many college campuses, in spite of our well-documented challenges, because fraternities provide young men with something that they struggle to find elsewhere on a college campus – a sense of belonging. From Dyad’s research, belonging is one of the primary indicators of a healthy chapter, boosting commitment, retention, and overall satisfaction with the fraternity experience. Participating in a healthy brotherhood can be a catalyst to a college experience that builds a man through self-exploration, leadership experiences, mentorship, and a community of support. This type of experience can give men the tools and integrity to lead in their family, faith, and work communities. Promoting a healthy sense of belonging within fraternity chapters is essential to having a healthy and positive chapter culture. However, the manner in which a chapter expresses and rewards masculinity can deeply impact members' sense of belonging. Toxic masculinity destroys belonging, but healthy masculinity can be an asset leveraged to combat the toxicity.

So how does toxic masculinity show up in a fraternity chapter? Fraternity chapters plagued by toxic masculinity establish a hierarchy where those who fit traditional masculine stereotypes move to the top by diminishing those who do not fit traditional masculine stereotypes. These traditional masculine stereotypes might include suppressing emotions, maintaining an appearance of hardness, violence as an indicator of power, and objectification of women, just to name a few. This diminishing of others comes at the expenses of fostering sense of belonging, because it can limit the openness needed to be vulnerable and feel accepted within a group. Simply, it is impossible to feel universally loved, valued, and/or accepted by your brothers if they are minimizing/attacking you based on your masculinity. Our research at Dyad shows that conformity and belonging have a strong, inverse correlation. If a member feels pressured to conform to his chapter’s hyper-masculine norm, then that member will not feel accepted by his brothers for who he feels he truly is.

Toxic masculinity can be particularly destructive during the new member education process, where the expression of toxic masculinity can feed into bullying, hazing, physical violence, sexual conquest/harassment and dangerous and high-risk behaviors. The research team at Dyad is able to measure hazing along the lines of four different “motivations.” The most problematic of the four hazing motivations is Social Dominance hazing. This rationale is motivated by reinforcing the social hierarchy between brothers and pledges through mechanisms of power and control. Our research has found that social dominance hazing is strongly connected with several of the stereotypes associated with toxic masculinity – particularly risk taking, heterosexual presentation, and the “playboy” mentality, which promotes sexual conquest.  As advisors, we need to have conversations with new member educators to inspire healthy masculinity, minimize/eliminate hierarchies, and foster environments where new members are free to be vulnerable and open with one another. Creating a sense of belonging is the key to retention, commitment to the organization, and a healthy brotherhood, all goals of their new member education process. This is best achieved by creating spaces where new members can be authentic and open, and it is diminished by environments where new members feel the need to conform to a certain set of social or masculine norms.

The conversation surrounding toxic masculinity is often met with criticism from men, and we see this on news outlets, responses to the Gillette ads, the Joe Rogan Podcast, and from the men we advise. Critics feel the conversation is an attempt to emasculate or villainize men, tell them to be more like women, or virtue signal.  The framing of the conversation puts men on the defensive and distracts from helping them find areas for growth. It also prevents the vulnerability and openness needed to develop a healthy sense of masculinity. In order to reach more men, we need to approach conversations about masculinity in a way that doesn’t immediately put them on the defensive.

What if we identify the positive aspects of masculinity and utilize them as an asset to achieve positive behaviors and outcomes? An asset-based approach to conversations on masculinity requires advisors to identify how masculinity can be a strength, recognize healthy forms of masculinity, and engage members in ways that leverage common masculine qualities to create belonging and meaningful connections. Giving men a positive message can allow them to take ownership of their masculinity and approach the problem in an authentic way. Men are traditionally associated with a variety of traits, many of which can be assets for advisors to leverage and reinforce within their men. In this way, instead of attacking traditional or toxic masculinity, we are embracing it and then helping members redefine it.

Examples of masculine traits that can be leveraged to help build healthy masculinity include:

Courage - What does it mean to have courage? Is sharing something about yourself when you are afraid of how others might view you an act of courage? Chapters can foster belonging by allowing members to be vulnerable and making them feel supported during those moments of vulnerability, helping them understand that it takes courage to be open and authentic. By giving members an opportunity to discuss things like their shared fears, disappointments, anxieties, and failures, we can promote the concept of courage as a positive asset to help men build a healthier masculinity. While a culture of toxic masculinity would look to exploit these fears through mean-spirited jokes, a healthy masculinity will seek to help these men be courageous and conquer these fears. Robert has low self-esteem and struggles to overcome being rejected by women, but after disclosing this to his brothers he receives encouragement and support. Chris lost a father to alcoholism and is worried that being in a fraternity will present him with too much pressure to drink. After disclosing this to his brothers, he is constantly reassured that he doesn’t need to drink in order to fit in, and his brothers seek out ways to socialize with him in environments free of alcohol. By being courageous and sharing their fears, these men have earned the acceptance and support of their brothers, which will only increase their sense of belonging.

Competition - Many men grow up in environments sports and competitive pursuits are prioritized over other, less masculine pursuits. While a win-at-all-costs attitude lacks morality, a competitive nature, the right metrics, and the creation of a healthy foil can help us motivate our chapters to reach new heights. Campuses and national organizations have many metrics including GPA, philanthropy dollars, operational metrics, and participation in programs that represent ideal opportunities to foster a competitive spirit among fraternity members. During my time as a consultant with Delta Upsilon, our chapter services team utilized the data provided to us by Dyad strategies and helped chapters embrace these measures to more accurately describe their strengths and weaknesses. Harnessing the competitive spirit in our chapters, we helped groups set goals and benchmarks to address some of their challenges identified in the data. During this data-driven age, our chapters crave helpful information and targets to have a healthier chapter, and the Dyad assessment served as a powerful tool for both chapter members and advisor to push our chapters to be the best they could be. Working together to achieve a common goal creates a sense of common purpose that strongly correlates with belonging. There is pride and satisfaction that can be taken from being part of something bigger than yourself.

Duty - My father feels it is his duty to protect the family and he takes pride in making sure the doors are locked each night. That simple, nightly act of pride has always stuck with me. Undergraduates usually feel a sense of duty to look after their guest at events. My father, like many men I see, is strong in his convictions, trying to teach me right and wrong. The combination of a strong moral compass and a duty to protect others can provide and excellent entry point into conversations about bystander intervention. As men, it is our duty to stand up for what we believe in and to protect the vulnerable. That duty can be demonstrated by calling brothers out for bad behavior, walking people home at night, or stepping in to diffuse a problematic situation when a brother isn’t taking a hint. Our men should strive to be leaders in this way and recognize people when they uphold their duties to do the right thing. Healthy confrontation as a form of accountability creates a sense of belonging by showing members that their brothers care enough for them to look out for their best interests. “I care enough about you to have this difficult conversation with you” is a powerful message to send to an insecure young man looking for a place to fit in. The duty to look out for the best interests of our brothers is an admonition contained in almost every fraternal initiation ceremony, and leveraging it as a positive aspect of masculinity can be a powerful reminder of our obligations to one another.

What ways have you had success helping men foster belonging in their chapters? How have you most effectively engaged men in talking about masculinity? As supporters of the fraternal movement, we need to understand the strengths and pitfalls of masculinity to help fraternity men ditch the unhealthy hierarchy and dangerous behaviors and find a true sense of belonging and identity through their brotherhood. We need to ask ourselves, “How do we allow men to build upon the healthy characteristics that are authentic to them?” By using an asset-based approach to masculinity, we can help men lead authentically, role model heathy behaviors in their chapter, and combat the toxic masculinity that will limit the sense of belonging in their brotherhood.

Jacob Ellis, M.Ed. is a member of the Dyad Strategies Facilitation Team, where he works with campus clients to deliver data-driven programming based on Dyad Strategies' award-winning research. In addition, he serves as Coordinator of Undergraduate Education for Delta Tau Delta Fraternity. In that role, he provides curriculum development and support for all of the fraternity's leadership development programs. Prior to completing his masters degree in Higher Education and Student Affairs at Florida State University, Jacob traveled for his fraternity, Delta Upsilon. In that role, he was part of the first group of fraternity consultants in the country to use Dyad data to engage in data-informed chapter visits. He received an undergraduate degree from Purdue University.